Why Avoidant People Ghost (And 4 Signs to Help You See it Coming)
I used to have a thing for mysterious guys.
You know the type. Quiet. Smart. Withdrawn just enough to pass as shy and endearing. They’d captivate me with their unassuming charm and quick wit, treating me like I was the most beautiful, fascinating woman they’d ever met.
Before I knew it they’d be inviting me on awesome dates and texting me constantly. We’d exchange flirtations and share thoughts and feelings that felt kinda—intimate. And without any prompting from me, they’d start dropping hints about our possible future together.
Sounds like a dream, right? Mmm—not so much.
See, these guys would show up in my life just the way I’d always secretly wanted someone to (making my defenses melt as though they’d been made of cheese).
That is, until they didn’t anymore.
In a barely detectable switch, the person who was professing his feelings and making grand plans for our future together would suddenly go radio silent. All texts, flirtations, and dates would start to slow, until they’d come to an abrupt halt and the truth would finally creep up on me: I’d been ghosted.
Being ghosted is one of the most prevalent issues with modern dating, but why do people do it?
There are many reasons you could ponder. You may feel inclined to blame cultural shifts in the way people connect — all that getting to know people through a screen isn’t exactly fostering deep intimacy. Or maybe it’s that people have too many options these days, or that common decency is just a thing of the past.
I used to wonder too, until I learned all about the Avoidant attachment type.
In this article, I’ll explain how Avoidant types relate to their emotions and why Anxious types are the most likely to get ghosted by them. We’ll also get into some signs to pay attention to so you can hopefully see it coming next time, ideally from a mile away.
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WHAT ATTACHMENT HAS TO DO WITH GHOSTING
If you’ve ever been ghosted, you know how truly shitty it feels. You meet someone you connect with who openly expresses wanting you, too. They begin to show up in your life like they were always meant to be there. You can’t help but start to wonder: could this be … love?
After some reasoned thought, you decide to let your guard down. They’ve been saying and doing all the right things, after all. You decide to trust them with your feelings, tell them honestly where you’re at. You let yourself be vulnerable.
Everything feels groovy—until the next day when they’re suddenly not responding as quickly as they’d done the week before. You start to get all panicky as you scan your mind for something you could’ve done wrong. You start convincing yourself that they’re just busy, and it’s normal to have space in relationships, right?
Mmm, yes—but no.
WHAT CONSISTENCY HAS TO DO WITH IT
Attachment theory is the study of how people bond in intimate relationships, and its studies confirm that how consistently (or inconsistently) available a child’s parents are in their formative years directly affects the level to which they’ll be comfortable with intimacy as adults. Our particular attachment style is based on what that level of intimacy is.
Of the four Attachment Styles (Secure, Anxious, Avoidant, + Fearful Avoidant) Anxious and Avoidant are the dominant insecure types (with Fearful-Avoidant being a less common mix of the two). Whereas Secure people had consistently available parents, Anxious and Avoidant people did not.
Someone is considered Anxious when they had one caregiver who was consistently emotionally available and another who was inconsistent in their emotional availability. Because of this, the child comes to know what secure love feels like from their one secure parent, but is always waiting for it to be taken away when the second parent withdraws emotionally.
This causes a core wound in the child (and later, adult) around being rejected or abandoned, making them worried or preoccupied with getting attention or reassurance that they’re still loved. Not surprisingly, Anxious types tend to overcompensate in relationships, often being overly-concerned with being perfect (i.e. saying and doing the “right” things) in order to keep their partner around and confirm that they are worthy of love.
Whereas Anxious types are soothed by turning to others for reassurance, Avoidants learned to sooth themselves. These children likely had at least one parent who was absent or abusive in some way, and thus learned that others couldn’t be relied on for consistent love and affection. As a result, they coped by self-soothing and developed an affinity for independence and self-reliance.
This doesn’t mean that Avoidant people don’t desire love—they do, very much so. After all, they’re human. But by having an abusive or absent parent as a child, the Avoidant person didn’t learn how to trust intimacy and thus developed a core wound around feeling defective and being incapable of love.
For this reason, the closer they get to someone, the more likely they are to push them away.
ANXIOUS + AVOIDANTS IN LOVE
The fact that I dated mostly Avoidant men was no coincidence.
While secure people make up a reassuringly high percentage of our population (50%!), Anxious and Avoidant types pretty much split the other half, with Avoidant people being approximately 30% of the population and Anxious people being about 25% of the population. (Fearful-Avoidants are roughly 5% of the population).
Now, while secure people are pairing off quickly (what with being all comfortable talking about their feelings and the future) Anxious and Avoidant people are left to take up the majority of the dating pool.
So, statistically speaking, it’s pretty much a probability that Anxious and Avoidant people will date. What’s more is that these styles actually attract each other, reinforcing their long-established limiting beliefs.
WHEN OPPOSITES ATTRACT
If you happen to be an Anxious person who has dated an Avoidant person, you know that it creates a cycle so confusing and tortuous that it makes period cramps seem like a dream sent from heaven.
This is because Avoidant and Anxious types actually complement each other, at least initially. Where the Avoidant person will hold back emotional connection, the Anxious person will overcompensate in emotional connection, thus enabling the relationship to move forward. The Avoidant person needs the warmth the Anxious person brings, and the Anxious person is used to bringing it. This is what makes them so damn attractive to each other.
Unfortunately, this attraction comes with a cost.
Because of an Anxious person’s fear that they will be abandoned and the Avoidant person’s fear of closeness, a self-perpetuating cycle begins as these opposite types begin to trigger and re-trigger each other’s core wounds.
This is known as the Anxious-Avoidant dance, and its steps are as follows:
The Avoidant person aggressively pursues the Anxious person, professing their feelings and showing high interest.
The Anxious person reciprocates that interest.
The Avoidant person starts to get overwhelmed with the growing level of closeness and begins to back away.
The Anxious person gets triggered by the Avoidant person showing up differently than they had previously and starts to overcompensate.
The Avoidant person gets triggered by the Anxious person’s need for reassurance of closeness and their highly activated emotional state and pulls away more.
The Anxious person gets more triggered and on and on the cycle goes until finally…
The Avoidant person disappears.
More often than not, this dance is why ghosting happens, as both styles re-affirm to the other their limiting beliefs that they are incapable and unworthy of love.
WHY AVOIDANTS COME ON SO STRONG
Now that you understand why people ghost, you may be wondering, if closeness pushes Avoidant people away, why do they come on so strong?
As we now know, Avoidant people find vulnerability unsafe and very painful. Because of this, they have trouble being emotionally present in their relationships. However they are still human and, as such, long for emotional closeness like all other types.
Because closeness is often too difficult to bear in their present reality, Avoidant types have a tendency to romanticize past lovers or idealize yet-to-be-found future lovers, as both concepts keep true vulnerability at a safe distance.
Is this starting to make sense?
Avoidant people can come on strong because when they vibe with you they start believing you may be their ideal person—the person they’ve been waiting for all along. In their excitement they text you everyday, make grand gestures to see you, and start sharing their fantasies about the future (where they’re safely kept outside of the present moment).
But when their feelings are then matched in the present by you, (who is simply reciprocating appropriately) they get overwhelmed by the closeness and run the other direction.
SEEING THE AVOIDANT SIGNS
When you’re just getting to know someone, it can be difficult to decipher their true intentions. While everyone is a little bit different, there are a few things you may want to pay attention to if you tend to date Avoidants:
If they’re pursuing you super aggressively.
Of course it’s flattering to feel like someone is interested in us, but it can feel weird when someone’s actions seem disproportionate to how long they’ve known us. If you’ve only just met someone and they seem convinced that you’re their person, take note. They could be idealizing you, rather than falling for the true you.
If they talk about their ex a lot.
As we’ve talked about, Avoidant types tend to want what they can’t presently have, and that can include their exes. Likely they left their past relationship on not so great terms (maybe even ghosted them) and thus may have some “unfinished business,” if you will. People who are present-focused and into you may bring up their exes in passing to provide some insight, but they don’t focus on them regularly and certainly don’t compare them to you!
If they list qualities they want in someone and let you know how you measure up.
Sure, we’ve all made lists or at least have ideas of the qualities we’d like in our ideal person. This isn’t uncommon. What is uncommon is to talk about that list aloud to the person you’re seeing. This is not only insulting if there are qualities on that list you don’t possess, but it’s indicative of an Avoidant person’s idealizing tendencies. Make a note of it and make sure to remind yourself (and maybe even them) that you like your qualities just as they are.
If they don’t follow through and it becomes a pattern.
Yes, we all get busy and we all make mistakes. But how often a person gets busy or makes mistakes and how they handle them can provide a lot of insight into their attachment style. When a Secure or Anxious person gets busy or forgets, they tend to let you know beforehand or right away when they’ve realized, and usually follow it up with an offer to reschedule. If you’re seeing someone who’s consistently (there’s that consistency again!) missing dates and/or not rescheduling, this is a big sign that they may have an Avoidant attachment style.
TO WRAP UP ...
As you can see, showing up consistently in relationships is kinda important (to put it very mildly).
Like a muscle that gets built up over time, trust takes time and repetition in order to become strong. If someone isn’t showing up consistently for you—or if they ghost you—there’s a good likelihood it’s because they have an Avoidant attachment style and don’t know how to deal with the emotional closeness you’re wanting.
This is why getting to know someone slowly, where you can witness their consistent patterns, is key to identifying someone who can meet you where you’re at emotionally.
There are ways you can communicate with Avoidant types to make your relationship work, so long as both partners are aware, willing, and open to practicing.
To get clear on your attachment style and how to work through this kind of dynamic, sign up for a free Clarity Call with me below.
